Bad Things

I can not begin to describe in detail that would convey to you the pain and hurt that resides inside me right now. Please, mind not any typos or grammatical mistakes as I am crying and half-drunk as I write this.
I now believe that there is no one for me. There is no person on this planet that can feel about me the way I feel about them. I have not the proper combination of characteristics to be appealing to any female person, whether it be that I don't believe in god, that I've had sex before marriage, or that I'm male, or that I'm but ugly. Those simple characteristics, whether acting alone or in concert, bar anyone from loving me or setting me in as a possibility to be loved.
You can not possibly believe the fiction in my head that I had set down as history not yet made before tonight. I have not in my life had all the walls of reality and hopes and dreams and ideas come crashing down in such a momentus way and with me feeling like such an ignorant and hopeless moron.
She has made it clear to me that she is not, can not, and will no be interested in me in any romantic way. How I should have known. And how my mind and morals are twisted as I sit here and know that I can not betrey some of the things she told me even after she had just finished tearing out my heart and soul. Yet I know it as truth more than most truth I have ever known that she did not mean to hurt me in any way, but only to save me from hurt. It is an impossible conundrum that could not help to do anything but exist.
I have nothing and see nothing. In this road I travel, there is nothing for me.


P.S. O God, if you are there and you exist, you are cruel, and unfeeling.

P.S.S. I had to take down the post before last. The one with the picture. Looking at it made me cry and my mind try to cave in.

P.S.S.S. Please, do not try to tslk with me about this with me. At least for a few days or weeks unless I mention it first to you. I can not bear to discuss it any more.